Attacked By Thai Piranhas and Ex-Kick Boxers

To say that 2016 started with a bang is an understatement. It was more of a bang, a slap, a punch and an assortment of jabs. But in the end, I am feeling ready for another twelve rounds. Let me explain.

Thailand is not only the Land of Smiles it is also the Land of Massages. Every third outlet on almost any street is a Thai massage parlour. You can get a foot massage, a full body massage, an oil massage, a facial massage and probably a hair massage if you look hard enough. Today, I promised the grandkids that I would “treat” them to a fish massage. 

A fish massage involves sitting with your feet submerged in a tank full of tiny fish, who for some demented reason love to eat the dead skin that encases your feet. Two days ago, we first witnessed this bizarre event in the market and people were laughing and giggling as dozens of tiny pin head size fish nibbled aggressively at their feet and legs. How difficult could that be to endure? Today we found out. The fish in our tank must have been on steroids as you could almost see the glint in their eyes when they detected new meat enter the parlour. I have caught smaller fish when I went fishing, than the whoppers in our tank. I swear they were salivating as they stared at our feet. These were monsters! Truthfully, it was a fun experience, to have your feet tickled by dozens of little fish, but with the theme song from Jaws resonating in the back of my mind, I was always on the alert. Been there, done that now, so it has been deleted from the list of massages that I need to try. 

After having our feet cleansed by the Thai piranha population, we felt that a foot massage would probably now be in order. Darlene dropped Sawyer and I off at her favourite massage parlour and left for a manicure. I will not soon forget the ambush we had been led into!

The little Thai girl, who drew me in the foot massage lottery, looked cute and harmless. After being assaulted by her for sixty minutes, she confessed that she had been an ex-Thai boxer. I think she was just jesting after she had given my thigh muscles a half dozen serious slugs, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see her fighting on ESPN in the future. 

After a few minutes of fending off her blows, I began to visualize her working in a meat packing plant as a meat tenderizer. She had a right cross that Rocky Balboa would have envied. I was even thinking that perhaps I should sign her to a personal service contract and sell her services to the US Military. I can assure you that after a couple of hours of her alone in a room with a Guantanamo captive and there would be no more need for water boarding. She would have extracted any secret information from any hard nosed Taliban within a day. She was a masseuse with an attitude!

As we headed home after our encounter with the piranhas and the Thai boxer, both Sawyer and I were pumped. I attribute our elation more to the fact that we survived two near death experiences in one day, than the accrued benefits of either massage.